Hands up if the new year has already started with a hiss and a fizzle......Umm, my hand is up....damn, this was not the plan.
My old friends sadness, loneliness and disconnection came visiting me unannounced. I thought I had shut the door to them, but they barged in and I was unprepared for them. I felt it in my body – that sinking, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach; a contraction in my heart; the heaviness in my shoulders. The pity party was starting....
My teachers tell me it’s necessary to sit with challenging, uncomfortable emotions and their sensations, acknowledge them, let them pass. Gee, I teach this in my yoga classes. But here I was struggling to be with them. You know how that funk feels? So what did I do? What I always do....I escaped the four walls of my home and myself. Hello to numbing out with a chai and a sweet treat.
Only 12 hours into the New Year, and I had already sabotaged my intention to find sweetness elsewhere and not in sugary, sweet treats. The pity party lasted for the rest of the day.
But, I noticed that the mind talk was not as intense this time....you know how it usually goes? – you are hopeless, you’re pathetic, can’t you do anything right, why can’t you be strong....yada yada....blah blah blah....
Instead, I accepted that best made plans sometimes go off track, and that’s ok. Tomorrow is another day. It doesn’t matter how many attempts it takes to set a new habit. This work to dig deep, to go inwards and meet the dark places, the dark emotions is difficult. You just have to keep showing up again and again.
I was kind to myself.
The next day began with a 90 minute heart-opening kriya, breath practice. After breakfast I took myself off for an hour long walk in nature. Came home and did some gardening. After lunch I joined an online international group meditation and satsang with my teachers’ teacher. Caught up with a meditation friend for a chat online. Then planned my first yoga class for the year.
As the day progressed my old friends started to leave. The heaviness and murkiness started to shift. The pity party was ending. I still felt a little low, but knew lightness would return tomorrow.
So, I will stick with my New Years intention to find new ways to taste the sweetness of life. And I’ll embrace my vulnerabilities, even in a public blog post...eeekkk! And will sit with difficult emotions when they come to visit.
I hope you are having more success with your new intentions, but if not, know you are not alone!!
Namaste,
Julie xo
(I'm certain the Sadhu we encountered on a train in Rajasthan has surpassed the need to set intentions and is perpetually experiencing the sweetness of life)
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